Tao, the Beam of Light in My Life A patient’s journey to fight against depression

Tao, the Beam of Light in My Life
A patient’s journey to fight against depression

◎LL (Love Life)

During my life, everyone looks at me as a bright person who works hard, studies hard, and stays kind. However, from the angle where people cannot see, I have a painful secret that I thought I would never share with anyone. I work as a nurse, but at the same time, I am a patient who has been suffering from severe depression for many years. By thinking about those signs, I probably have already started depression since high school, but it took me so long to admit and accept the fact. Recall those moments when I couldn’t get up from bed for several days, the moments when I had hallucinations and lost sense of colors, the moments when I locked myself inside not talking to anyone; I see all full of struggles and darkness. During those years, I was completely lost and not seeing any light around me. By March of the year 2021, when I started writing a will prior to my suicidal plan, I finally realized that I needed help and finally started therapy.

The doctors were surprised by my strong willpower and self-control, as even though I had already reached the danger line, I still performed well in school and at work, which is why nobody, including my family, friends, and coworkers, no one knew what was going on. I often had episodes of smiling at people but turning around with tears falling out immediately. I have been hiding all my pain from everyone I know because I held much fear. I was fearful of either people’s judgment or the worries in their eyes. It is a blessing that even though I was completely lost and not knowing where to go, deep inside my heart, I knew that there would be an answer waiting for me. I started taking any piece of advice to get myself cured.

They say, ‟Eating sweets can make you happy”, so I ate a lot of chocolate and ice cream. ‟Watching comedian shows or funny movies can make you laugh”, so I watched them. ‟Going out and talking to friends can distract you from your sadness”, so I did that too. Did these things help? Yes, for those moments, it seems like working. But when I stopped those activities, the darkness and the pain in my heart turned even stronger. 

Then I started looking for something bigger. Compared to human society, nature always makes me feel more peaceful, so I often drive to the oceans and mountains, looking at a farther space and recognizing how small I am. Did that help? Yes, a little bit more. But I cannot stay by the oceans and mountains forever. When I returned to this social life, I felt down again.

Then, I forced myself to focus on my academic progress. By then, I was halfway through my master’s degree in nursing. I thought, since my work and my patients always brought me the feeling of achievement, maybe when I can hold more knowledge and skills to help more people in medicine, it will clear my darkness and bring brightness to my life. However, from the first day after the graduation, I cried every day for a whole month. I never felt that hopeless, helpless, and empty inside because I failed to my last straw.

I tried many different things that I could do, including physical needs, emotional pleasure, academic achievement, and so on. But after failing again and again, I realized that I must find something to hold me inside—something can motivate me to jump off the bed every morning; something will always be there, no matter what kind of external environment I am in, no matter what kind of energy I am around, and no matter if I have all those positive things all the time stimulating me to feel happy. There must be a permanent solution that I need to find to cure myself.

On September 3rd of 2022, I was so blessed to be brought over to the San Francisco Zhong Shu Temple USA and made my vow to receive and cultivate Tao. By that day, I still had many doubts if this would be my answer, but I felt that I was finally picking up the little pieces of myself, gluing them together, and moving in the same direction. I finally started seeing the world from a different perspective. 

One day, I was standing by the window at the Temple watching the rain outside, my heart was so touched. I never realized that raining could be this beautiful. In the past of my life, when it rains, I cry. When it gets dark, I cry. There was no reason. Just the emptiness in my heart hurts the most. But since cultivating Tao, no matter when it is sunny, windy, or rainy, they all look beautiful to me. When I am in the Temple, everyone and everything makes me feel secure, warm, and loved. More importantly, that feeling stays with me even after I leave the Temple and return to my own space. Driving back to my home, I often have tears in my eyes. But it is not the same as previous crying—it is because I think I finally found my answer for that permanent solution.

Cultivating Tao helps me to confirm what life is truly about and guides me to drop my wrong obsessions. Tao also leads me to recognize the reason why I have been so depressed. In the past, whenever I saw scenes representing harmony in human beings, including respecting each other and loving each other, I sensed happiness and warmth. Whenever I heard noises of yelling or hurting each other, or knew people suffering, I felt sad and scared. I was not happy because I lived in a world that I didn’t like. It was not a world where I wanted all creatures to be healthy and happy. I was also helpless because I didn’t see any hope in making the world better for me to enjoy.

As I continued cultivating Tao, I recognized that Tao is not a magic power to eliminate the problems for me right away. We still have all kinds of negative collective karma—diseases, pandemic, crime, and ongoing wars. We still have all those barriers and hatred between people from different corners of the world. But I am not scared anymore because Tao brings me hope, by knowing that there are more and more people holding faith and reaching out to heal the world. When there is one more person finding true self, we will get one more step closer to the world we are looking for. 

I am very grateful to the Grace of Heaven that has guided me through my darkness. I am very thankful for the wisdom and efforts of all the Predecessors who provided the opportunities for us to receive Tao. Along with the hard battle in my life journey, Tao helps me to recognize my inner and external struggles; Tao awakes me to differentiate between true self and false self; Tao also guides me to find hope and permanent happiness for this temporary life. Holding this unshakable faith, I will continue moving forward to heal myself and heal the world in any possible way.

Editor’ Note:

LL (Love Life) received Tao on 2022/9/3 at San Francisco Zhong Shu Temple, USA. She holds the sincerity from day one and remains the vegetarian diet afterwards. On 2023/2/4, she attended the 1-day in-person Chinese Tao Seminar during pandemic and was inspired to take purification vow (the following day she took the formal vow in front of the alter), as well as to set her life with a vow of  Highly Regards Tao.